Becoming a Billionaire (soon to be Trillionaire)

To become a Billionaire, we ask only that you follow the simple instructions below on how to choose a name, dress the part, and adopt a Billionaire persona. Once you have completed these preliminaries, you and other like-minded Billionaires are ready to form your own local chapter of Trillionaires for Trump.




As a billionaire, you must make a good name for yourself (or at least borrow one from your parents). Here are some famous Billionaire names from around the country:

Alotta Cash
Bill Fold
Bill M. Moore
Billie O'Nair
Bjorn Ritch
Gimmi Moore
Iona Bigga Yacht
Iona Lott
Livina Mansion
Luke Rahtive
Mary A. Richman
Meg A. Bux
Monty Moneybucks
Ollie Garky
Pam Perd
Phil T. Rich
Philip Mepockitz
Robin U. Blind

Appearances are everything. Formal dress is required.

In order to be a billionaire, it is not merely important to sport the right attitude, but to sport the right suit as well. We really must insist that you dress the part — we do have an image to uphold.

We know that there is a great wealth of diversity among the extremely rich — and therefore among our fashion choices as well. Billionaires come in all colors, shapes and sizes. We have old money and oil money and dot-com money and money at work and money on vacation and daytime money and evening money.

But as important as it is to honor the diversity of our ranks, it is even more important to preserve the traditional image of the Billionaire in America.

So don your black suits and evening gowns, and hit the streets!

$ black tux or suit
$ white shirt
$ money tie
$ bowtie
$ bowler hat
$ cigar
$ monocle
$ white gloves
$ cummerbund
$ suspenders
$ cane
$ furs
$ diamonds
$ pearls
$ fancy scarf
$ opera gloves
$ gown
$ heels
$ cigarette holder
$ tiara

You may also come with your full entourage. Servants, footmen, butlers, limos, red carpets, etc. are all welcome.

      
Billionaires who simply must stand out, even amidst the enormously affluent, may find the following fashion ideas appealing:

Bratty Equestrian
equestrian-type hat
jacket
jodhpurs (equestrian pants) or leggings
fancy high boots
riding crop
flashy jewelry
attitude
stuffed pony

Billionaire Record Executive
fancy suit or super-expensive jogging outfit
flashy jewelry
cell phone permanently attached to ear
blackberry device or pda
eye candy girfriend/boyfriend
briefcase full of record contracts that screw the artist

A Columbian Cartel Boss
slinky slithery pants
silky shirt
see-through socks
endangered-animal skin shoes
gold chains
chunky shades
jewelry with tiny spoons

Rock Star or Rapper
finery
leather pants
engineer boots
shiny shirt
fur coat
diamond earrings
gold money pendant

Deposed European Royalty
fluffy shirt with cuffs
shiny brocaded smoking jacket
velvet pants
jewelled slippers
turban

Hunting Lodger
hunting boots
solid-colored thick wool pants
nubby earth-toned sweater
plaid jackets with the rifle-shot protector shoulder pad
hunting cap

As Billionaires, our names evoke fabulous fortunes and we dress like a billion bucks. But there's a story behind every fortune, and communicating it well will better enable you to effectively manipulate the hearts and minds of the American public. Just take a peek at the biographies of a few of our ranks.


Phil T. Rich
CEO, Top-level schmoozer
Phil was born a poor Mexican, but always knew the maternity nurse had mixed up the socio-economic strata at birth. Not one to pout, he quickly set about to reclaim his lost heritage. A cleverly faked ID got him into Andover, identity theft landed him at Yale and then Princeton. After being tapped for the secret Skull and Bones secret society (psst, it's a secret), and apprenticing to both Karl Rove and Roger Stone, he quickly rose up through the ranks of hard-right Republican organs of power and America's most dynamic corporations. His resume — Special Attache for Accounting at Tesla, Executive Secretary of the Heritage Foundation, and Co-Chair of Smoke-Filled Back Room — reads like a cocktail of forward thinking governance. Phil's main goal in life is now Full Spectrum Dominance over American politics and Trillionaire status. His varied interests include Money, Wealth, Lucre, Cash, and Money.


Seymour Benjamins

Seymour Benjamins was born on January 20, 1981 — the date of Ronald Reagan's first inauguration, he is quick to note — in Bel Air, CA. Seymour was the only child of Manny Benjamins III, a California aerospace/defense mogul who discovered that there's even more profit to be made in cold wars than in hot ones, and Mary A. Mogul II, a descendant of Austrian royalty. The young Benjamins graduated from Philips Exeter Academy in 1999 and earned a master's degree in Economics from Harvard in 2003. During his junior year in college, Benjamins' father died abruptly, leaving him a fortune estimated at $1.7 billion, whereupon he instantly became the most powerful 21-year old in America. Since graduating, Benjamins has invested billions in defense, natural gas, and pharmaceuticals, as well as key elected officials. He is a sailing enthusiast and frequents the New York Yacht Club.